The Do-over Clause

DO-OVER

You ever have the feeling of can I get a do over?! No like really, I understand the mess-up on my part. Can we talk about this, can we come to an understanding? Like was it really that bad, did we not want each other for real? Was it a joke. Did we waste time? 

Like I’m good at suppressing feelings that cause me hurt or are a distraction. It’s like  I put myself in the “when it’s over” place of my feelings, or this won't last long in order to get through the tough part of the immediate hurt. But what I will admit when it hits me; it hits hard...like DAMN! Smack in my face, “you going to deal with these feelings or we, the feelings are going to deal with you!” 

Yea, well I've been the one who had to have the feelings deal with me. I just figured that I had to move on eventually right?! So why drag the process? Ok, ok to the point. I was dealing with a guy, 3years or so. DAMN 3 years! Thats life time B! Ok, back to point. It was easy, as in no pressure felt, like we knew each other from another time. We meshed, we had an unspoken vibe, we clicked all of that cosmo, Neo-soul, gansta, R&B, type of feel. I was not looking for him. I wasn't even thinking about him in that manner per say. I didn’t believe it! There I said it! I didn’t believe this was really happening for me. The prayer, the fasting, the begging for the one of my type and who was a friend , homie, partner kinda guy. He was that..simple. For the first time I can admit I blew it! Straight like that. or did I?

EYE OF A SOUL

Every time I see a picture of you I look in your eyes. Your eyes tell me you still love me, it is your heart that’s in demise. I can’t believe I looked back and sat there like what happened? How did this happen? And I just cry. Shake my head and cry. Than I wonder does he feel this too? I want to say yes, based off our conversation. I want say “yes, he does!” and I feel him too. I want to say “I know he hears my cry, he feels my tears that touch my cheek .”” I want say “He knows but he's just to weak.” I want to say “he’ll return, but his pride at his point its not ready to return.” I’m broken and I never thought i’d feel this way. Never. 

I want to be clear, I don't have the feeling of wow, I found the right one and I messed up..nope. I feel like man, I thought I had the right one but he wasn't prepared for the support I’d need to bloom into who I’m called to be. I was ready to give support and life to his dreams but it wasn't the same in return. Thats how I feel. Yes, the connection was there and in reality when I thought about it. If he was for me communication would not be an obstacle yet a commodity to fuel our relationship. Like don't say “we can talk and be open.” then when I am your emotionally dead. No support towards my dreams unless they benefitted you in some form. Most of the times it was paying you for your service and getting half ass work due to you leading with your feelings and not the business mind. sad.  I can say I allowed myself to be sexually involved too. See this is where things got shifty. Once I pulled my focus back, I stopped seeing the fantasy and lived in the reality. An thus, I stopped the sexual interaction to see the real person and to focus on myself and get my priorities in line. it all changed. I was verbal and communicated the need for change, never asking him to take the same path but I was honest to the core. He was not. I believe for the first tine in his life he saw a woman who loved him but she also loved herself more too. Straight to the point instead of being honest and saying he couldn’t stand through that process and leave with respect. He lied to himself more than me. 

SPACE TO LIE

The distance began and instead of me drowning with him, I chose to surf on the wave and walk away. I chose not to be sucked into another males choice of brokenness from their past and not choosing to heal. I was all for the healing and it had to start with me. So I left to grow and heal more. He again chose not to respect nor give way to understanding. Sad, in turn he tried to make me feel like I made a poor choice in life. 

So to say I want a Do-over is fact. I wanted a do-over of getting to understand his fears, pains, loves, weaknesses, and to enhance his strengths. The Clauses, I still and am sure I will always love him. Its just the love do-over clause. Love is...